Happy three months of zero communication! We could be celebrating three months of being in a horrible situationship, but your deep-rooted insecurities and crippling mommy issues ruined any shot at that. If given the opportunity to write a letter to their “ex”, some may take this time to apologize or plead for another chance. But, as someone who wasted four months dealing with the cold shoulder, and three excruciating years as your friend, I just wanted to say thank you for becoming so unlikable it was genuinely hard to be around! You saved me even more months of agonizing miscommunication and confusion based on how you were feeling that day. Although I cannot get back the four months of literal hell, constant disappointment and dirty looks from your pre-pubescent looking friends, I now can relate to so many more Taylor Swift songs, which I’ll consider a win. I hope you have found peace in moving back into your parents’ basement and working yourself to death in finance, just to say you work in finance on first dates with girls who will ultimately ghost you. And when they do, I hope you know it’s surprisingly not because of your receding hairline or the patchy mustache you’ve been trying to grow for two years, it’s because of your horribly narcissistic personality and lack of emotional depth! Please for the love of God get a therapist, and then maybe a hair loss supplement or something to fix whatever the fuck is growing on your head. I wish you nothing but the worst in years to come!
XOXO,
The hottest girl you’ll ever bag
