Have you ever met someone and just thought, ‘No, I’m good’? Whether it be the sound of their voice, their mannerisms or just a general vibe, it wouldn’t make a difference if you never saw them again. If you’re writing this off and saying it doesn’t apply to you, you’re a liar.
Sorry, but there’s no way that you’ve liked every person you’ve met in your 20-something years. Dig deep through the file cabinets of your memories. I’m not talking about the middle school prankster who made you the butt of every joke, the ex who piled on reasons for you to hate them or the high school girl who bullied you. I’m talking about the mutual friend you met and knew you never wanted to hang out with again; the coworker who has never done anything malicious to you but you dread being in the break room with; the neighbor you see in Target but dart down another aisle to avoid. I bet some people come to mind as you read this.
The idea that not liking someone is predicated on intentional meanness is simply untrue. We’re adults now. It’s time to dispel the need to be liked by everyone and the need to like everyone. It’s not realistic. After all, there’s a difference between being cordial and straight-up pretending to like someone. Let’s abandon this notion that there must be drama attached to the reason why people don’t vibe. The truth is: we just don’t form connections with everyone we meet.
Society—and, more specifically, social media—relishes drama, spinning webs of conflict for headlines. From reality TV to celebrity feuds, publishing secrets and disagreements is a million-dollar market. Many people do this in their own lives, too: thriving off drama and creating unnecessary issues.
Instead of attempting to explore the reasons why we dislike people, I think it’s more important to address how we manage feelings of dislike, as the line between niceties and fraudulence often gets blurred. There’s a difference between asking someone at the office how their weekend was, and saying yes to weekend drinks, knowing damn well that you don’t want to go.
Don’t lead people on–you can make it clear there’s no friendship (whether it’s because you have nothing in common, you don’t vibe with them or they just annoy you) without being rude. It’s human nature to yearn to be accepted, but there’s a glow-up that comes with not caring how people view you.
The pandemic put many things in perspective. When we were catapulted into isolation,
distanced from the human connection, relationships became much more important and intentional. We realized certain people were in our lives out of mere circumstance and proximity and, in turn, have drifted from people who weren’t really our friends, but simply people we saw every day.
There’s nothing wrong with that—some people are just acquaintances. There are undoubtedly people we don’t like but simply tolerate. Our innate need for acceptance and inclusion oftentimes has us wanting to be liked by everyone. When we aren’t, we feel rejected. We try to prove our worth by being likable and keeping an invisible tally of our number of friends.
The key to respectfully disliking someone is maintaining indifference. Stop giving a shit about trying to placate someone you don’t even like. The idea that we need to kiki with everyone is the reason we can’t distance ourselves from people we don’t like, but who clearly like us.
We also need to set boundaries with people we dislike. Being cordial doesn’t mean intent for cultivating an interpersonal relationship. Defining the relationship (or lack thereof) is instrumental in avoiding unwanted interactions. Often, we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but honesty really is the best policy in this case.
For a long time, I struggled to say no to people. I’ve found myself hanging out with or talking to someone I didn’t like on more than one occasion. The reasons for this have ranged from a sense of obligation to not knowing how to decline an invitation.
Now that I’m in my thirties, I literally just don’t care. I no longer surround myself with or talk to people I don’t like. It really is that simple. Why would you? You don’t owe people your time and energy. You don’t have to give people access to you if you don’t want to.
There’s stress that comes from constantly having prolonged interactions with people we don’t like. Life-or-death situations aren’t the only thing that triggers fight or flight, our bodies are unable to differentiate between a stressor such as being chased and a perceived stressor like working on a project with someone you dislike.
I block people online and in real life. Given how life is constantly showing us the fragility of everything, it’s important to live with purpose, to spend your time how you want, and to do so with people you like. You can’t get that time back.
I’m not sorry. I’m not being mean. We don’t have beef. I just don’t fuck with you.
